It Doesn't Start with a Punch - Recognizing Domestic Violence Before It Turns Physical

When we think about domestic violence, we often picture bruises, black eyes, broken bones. But the reality is that domestic violence is a gradual process, not a sudden event. Physical abuse is almost never what comes first. The abuse creeps up slowly. A putdown here or there. An odd excuse to keep you away from family or friends. By the time the violence gets physical, you've often already been cut off from other people. By then, you feel trapped.

As a doula, I think about the circumstances of pregnant people a lot. One thing that comes up constantly in my work is domestic violence—and I've learned that it rarely looks the way people expect it to. I've had to help clients navigate their way out of abusive partnerships before, and it isn't easy to watch someone go through. I've also seen the world of difference when people are able to separate themselves from controlling partners. Their mood improves. They find better opportunities. They feel more empowered in the delivery room and in their parenting decisions. But here's the thing—folks typically don't start recognizing abuse with a whole lot of self-awareness about being abused. I've noticed that happening in retrospect. They look back and see all the signs that were there from the beginning.

Why This Matters for Pregnancy

During pregnancy, the stakes get even higher. Research shows that 43.4% of pregnant women in one study experienced domestic violence during pregnancy, and the DV fatality rate actually increases when someone is pregnant. Think about that for a second—the time when someone is literally growing life inside their body is when they're at the highest risk of being killed by their partner.

Nearly half of birthing people aren't screened for intimate partner violence before or after pregnancy. That means so many people experiencing abuse never get connected to help. Our culture is really adept at marginalizing and disappearing entire categories of people, particularly those who aren't white, male, able-bodied, or wealthy. It leaves us grossly uninformed about what domestic violence actually looks like and how to help people navigate it.

If we want to reduce the frequency of domestic violence and the fatality of domestic violence—particularly for pregnant women—then we need to be able to recognize the earlier warning signs. And we need to be honest about the fact that a lot of these early signs are really normalized or even romanticized in our culture. Extreme jealousy gets framed as passion. Isolation gets called "wanting to spend all our time together." Constant check-ins get seen as caring.

Abuse is not cute or acceptable, and we have to be able to look at people's actions for what they are. Learning to recognize the early warning signs—before violence becomes physical—can literally save lives.

What the Research Shows

Researchers from the University of Western Ontario studied 355 participants and identified 16 warning signs that predicted violence within six months. These signs had a lot to do with entitlement, arrogance, control, and emotional immaturity. Here's what to look out for:

1. Extreme Jealousy and Possessiveness

This isn't cute, protective behavior. This is showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them. Constantly checking up on you, demanding to know where you are. Accusing you of cheating without cause. It's suffocating, and it's intentional.

This often escalates into digital monitoring and control:

• Demanding passwords to your phone, email, or social media

• Checking your phone without permission—reading texts, call logs, photos

• Using location-tracking apps or "Find My Phone" to monitor your whereabouts

• Getting angry about who you're talking to online or how quickly you respond

Technology has given abusers new tools to control and monitor their partners 24/7. If your partner is constantly surveilling your digital life, that's not love—that's control.

2. Isolation

They prevent or discourage you from spending time with others, particularly friends, family members, or peers. They get angry or upset when you see other people or talk to them. As one expert put it: "They alienate you from anyone that could possibly help you. They control your life because you have no other sources to lean on."

By the time people realize they're in an abusive situation, they're often extra ashamed. Maybe they've already pushed their friends away. And they don't want to reach back out out of fear that people are going to turn them away.

3. Control Over Your Decisions

They prevent you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school. They tell you what to wear, how to style your hair, who you can see. They control finances in the household without discussion—taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses.

This control often extends to your online presence: telling you what you can post, demanding you delete certain friends or photos, taking your phone away as "punishment," or threatening to share private information about you.

4. Verbal and Emotional Abuse

Telling you that you never do anything right. Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people. Constant criticism that makes you question your own worth. This kind of abuse can be just as damaging as physical violence—sometimes more so.

5. Manipulation

They try to control your decisions, actions, or emotions. This might mean convincing you to do things you otherwise wouldn't do by threatening you or by ignoring you until you do what they want. Making you feel guilty for their bad behavior. Blaming you for their anger or violence.

Other Red Flags:

• Saying all their exes were "crazy"

• Being rude to waiters or service workers

• Harming animals

• Resisting getting to know your loved ones

• Closely monitoring your online activity

• Being unable to soothe their own emotions

The Most Important Sign: Fear

If you're afraid of your partner, that's a big red flag. You may be scared to say what you think, to bring up certain topics, or to say no to sex. No matter the reason, fear has no place in a healthy relationship. Period.

What About During Pregnancy?

Abusers often escalate their control during pregnancy. They might isolate you from prenatal care or medical appointments. They control your access to information about pregnancy and childbirth. They make decisions about your pregnancy without your input. They use the pregnancy to further financial control. They threaten the baby or future custody.

Pregnancy can be a very common and effective reason that people use to make changes in their lives—leaving bad situations, getting sober, setting boundaries. Unfortunately, abusers know this too, and they often ramp up their control tactics to prevent you from leaving.

If You Recognize These Signs

You're not imagining it. You're not overreacting. Trust your gut.

Recognizing early red flags can help people escape dangerous situations before they escalate. If you see these signs in your relationship:

• Reach out to someone you trust

• Call your local Domestic Violence Hotline (see resources below)

• Create a safety plan

• Know that you deserve respect, autonomy, and safety

If You See These Signs in Someone You Love

If your friend is acting in a way that's out of character, that could be a response to the manipulation they're experiencing. Stay connected. Let them know you're there. Offer support without judgment.

Here's the thing: "If you get fed up and say, 'well, she's gonna do what she wants to do,' and you walk away from your friend, that's probably the worst thing you can do, because that's exactly what he wants you to do. He wants everybody to go away."

Don't give the abuser what they want. Be the person your friend can come back to when they're ready.

The Bottom Line

Just because you've never been hit doesn't mean you aren't being abused. Emotional and psychological abuse are just as serious as physical abuse—and they almost always come first.

Our culture doesn't really prepare us to recognize these patterns. There aren't a lot of cultural practices left that allow people to fully understand the realities of what healthy relationships look like versus abusive ones. Of course people struggle to identify abuse when it's happening to them! We've been actively kept in the dark about this stuff.

But here's what I know: if something feels wrong in your relationship, trust that feeling. Isolation has really negative impacts on people's well being. As people, our connections to other people help us with support, perspective, and safety. You deserve all of those things.

You deserve better.